Bella's Road to Recovery - A woman's guide to love, sex, and marriage (with a gay man)

Bella, my BFF, as we like to call it out here in the big city of Los Angeles, is going through some turbulant times.

Often, she falls for a man who very generously shares his life with her by laughing at her jokes, spending precious time with her (long walks on the beach, etc), and regularly tells her how fabulous her shoes are. Ok, why is this terrible, why would Bella need to recover from constantly falling for men who sound so perfect?

Well, honestly when you think about it closely, you can see where the problem lies. It's in her shoes. When a man tells you that you have great shoes, it typically means that "he's not that into you" or actually the better way to describe it would be "he's not really that into your vagina." He is more than happy to accommodate your every emotional need, but unfortunatly, not your physical ones.

By the way, the gay man, is truly the only example of the perfect human being. They come equiped with sensitive feelings and emotions, while lacking the "cut the other woman's head off" intuition. They don't size us up, they only tell us the truth. They tell us when something (fashionable) doesn't work, when our shoes are out of style, and offer us the best relationship advice. In fact, these boys understand the way love and relationships really work (Except of course, their own, because we all know that no one understands their own relationships. Not even the experts.)

Two types of men fall for her: the valet at every bar, club or resturant that she visits, or men who first meet her when she's in her scrubs (not the doctor scrubs, this is a term meant to discribe her workout or moving clothing).

Then of course, there's the relationships that she so lavishly adores:

The relationships that habitually begin with a man complamenting her wardrobe or her quick wit and sharp tongue. These are things commonly imply that the man with the flirty remarks, is not in fact, hitting on you. He is just telling you his thoughts. (side bar: this is a trait that straight men lack, saying the truth about his feelings aloud in mixed company. Straight men typically flirt by saying "you're hot" or "sexy girl" or something that sounds like it should come out of the mouth of a 16 year old.)

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Recovery begins with "realization of the problem." This is the first step for all addicts.

Then, she seeks therapy and as prescribed:

Bella sets out to date a straight man. Simple enough.

She finds one rather quickly, and we'll call him "The Salsa Dancer." Don't fret because he has the word "dancer" in his name, this latin lover is quite the straight man. He's handsome, flirtatous, and a rock solid salsa dancer (which is important to Bella, but not manditory).

They flirt and tease each other on the dance floor. But then, (like most men) he doesn't call. His emails seem completely uninterested.

What is poor Bella to do? Now that she's actually dating straight men, she's learning how terribly flakey these playboys are and most importantly how jaded and fucked up they all are.

Now's she's going to need therapy for her therapy!