Harem of Husbands

Traveling. Ah. Yes. How lovely to spend three weeks abroad, living amongst a fabulous new culture for as many weeks as our slave drivers can possibly spare. Well this year, as odd as it seemed, I choose EGYPT for my lovely holiday. Figuring that I'd be so far away and so out of touch that no one could reach me for their typical vacation taunting questions.

24 hours prior to travel, anxiety. Lot's and lot's of anxiety. Is this trip going to be fun? OMG, what if I hate it and I have to spend the only three week of my year in a HORRIBLE place?

Cut to. Landing Cairo International Airport. Stinky, exhaust fumes, smog... Pollution everywhere. The worst nightmare, is already upon us, and the worst part about it, is that I'm already here. So I can't skip out on the flight now.

Chaos.

"I have to pee." "I have to pee before we clear customs."

I enter the smoke filled bathroom, there are two stalls for this "International" Airport. And people are smoking in them. In walks an Egyptian woman, followed by a team of mini Egyptians, children. Momma Egyptian, immediately turns to the bathroom attendant and hands her the baby in her arms. While the bathroom attendant is smoking up the bathroom, that only has two stalls!

Yikes, this is looking pretty bad. What have we done to ourselves????

Cut to 45 minutes later, 3 marriage proposals, and after we had enlisted the help of two of the hottest tour guides in town.

I guess you could say, as luck would have it, it all took a gigantic turn of events the moment that me and my new traveling companion, SPICE GIRL stepped out on the streets of Cairo. Wow. It's quite lovely here. It's like we're movie stars on the streets of Manhattan, minus of course the skyscrapers and posh clothing.

Here is how it begins. One lovely husband after another falls right into place, though most of them were named Mohammad, they were all rather adorable and charming.

First, Mido (real name Mohammad by the way). Perhaps the hottest man alive on planet Earth. He begged me to talk to him. How often in La La Land has any dame been begged to merely speak to the most beautiful man on the street? Never I say! Well, that would be a never for me, of course. Even pleading with me to be his wife. And still to this day, a few months after departing my beloved land, still begs for my hand in marriage.

Second, Meyer, this story will follow this blog with a much longer blog, it will be titled, "Cheating Allowed, Only In Egypt, The Undersexed Girls Guide to Not Getting Laid."

Third, the most important of all, every street vendor, taxi driver, fruit stand guy,
concierge, etc. These were the best. Everywhere Spice Girl and I went, they whistled, they charmed, they flirted, they proposed, they cut their prices, they were for all purposes, puddy in our hands. These Mohammad's were truly amazing.

So here it is, the book of Mohammad's:

1) Mohammad, tour guide to the South Africans. He likes hash, coffee, loud women (oooh, I fit that description), and most importantly, he's not accepting a nice free piece of ass without having to chase it!

2) Mohammad, the jewerly salesman, he only spoke French, but managed to figure out how to say "I love you," in English. And by the time I left the store, could even propose.

3) Mohammad, the art dealer. Ah, lovely. The art dealer, perhaps my favorite. He managed to allow me to talk him down from $340 American Dollars to $100 American Dollars and he even through in a couple of bonus pieces. This Mohammad was the first to actually offer me camels, but of course those camels were offered to my tour leader. Apparently, since it's a trade of possessions, I could never actually own the camels.

4) Mohammad, the street vendor. "How many camels?"

Did I open the door of the camels with the art dealer?

5) Mohammad, the head maid guy/towel creature creator. Everyday when Spice Girl and I arrived back to our room, there was a Mohammad waiting by our door, awaiting our reaction to whatever new animal had taken over our room during our absence. The person sitting on the bed dressed in Spicy's clothing was the scariest.

6) Mohammad, the bartender. He got me drunk, I still can't figure out how he didn't get me to marry him in my drunkened vacation haze. It must be due to lack of experience with the wand of pleasure!

I won't bore you with the rest of them, however, they certainly were the highligh of the trip. And here's the absolute best thing about having all of the Mohammad's, I could pack them in my huge suitcase, bring them home with me, and if I choose to hide them from each other, to avoid any outrageously jealous outbursts, I would never have to worry about getting their names mixed up!

But seriously, right now I'm not ready for one boyfriend (or boytoy even apparently), so for now I have to pass. But be assured that when I'm thirty five and the clock is ticking... I'm moving to Egypt. Someone there will certainly give me the little bundle of responsibility that every woman dreams of!