College Dayz

Remember slipping into your dorm room at 2am, to find nothing other than your slutty roommate moaning loudly while her one night stand licks her man in the boat?  Her piercing scream cover the sound of your drunken stumbling, as you crawl into your own bed.  She knows you're there, he probably does too... but they continue to go at it, as you turn over and put a pillow over your head.

Ten years later.  Snowboarding trip with all your adult friends... fresh powder's coming in.  Nothing like a Mammoth pub crawl.  The messiness continues to the house, where everyone hops in the hot tub, continuous boozing.  Then when our bellies can't stomach it anymore... snooze.  We all past out.  Except one.  The one that I happened to be sharing a room (not a bed - there were separate beds).  2am, pounding head, nauseous tummy, I need to throw up... squeak squeak, moan, moan, then... "what the fuck is wrong with you?"  "Why can't you keep it up?"

Oops, that's the last thing I thought I'd be hearing this weekend... but  I guess sometimes it's good to remember how it used to be and remember what aging does to our bodies.  Sexual dysfunctions, so don't bang someone out in the same room... because someone may tell your secrets!

Kittens, Bobcats and Cougars

Going from a Kitten to a Bobcat is not as easy as one may think. It's similar to passing through the threshold from 21 to 25, you know like going from being a child to an adult... but this isn't about MY age. It's about the man on the other side of the bed. At one time I thought that I had learned the best kept secret in town... Divorced Men. They are already trained to know that all it really takes to make us happy is to pay attention when we want them to, listen to our problems without trying to solve them, and telling us how beautiful we are regularly.

But then when that bored me, I moved on to dudes my own age, never been married, successful, and honestly... more pains in my ass than fun. They don't know when to call, how to call, how to fuck even. They are so into themselves that they buy you toys that make them happy for your birthday then wonder why you don't thank them.

So, what is left. YOUNGER BOYS. They are fun, do what you tell them to, and call when they are asked too. And when you tell them to go away. Gone... disappeared into the club crowd just as easily as they appeared next to you at the bar buying you an innocent drink. Then as luck would have it... another one arrives.

Wow. Who knew that life could be this easy, if you just know the secret?

I have now graduated from Kitten (dating divorced/older than me types or men my own age) to Bobcat (5 or 6 years younger). One day, when 9 or 10 years younger than me is finally legal... I will once again graduate - to Cougar. Maybe life does get better for women!!

Love Lessons From the Past

There is a reason for everything. We live, we learn and we move on, but it's what we take with us that is the most important. For the new year, I am going to remember all of the love lessons that I have had, in hopes that this will help me prepare for the next mister right now.

Lesson 1) The Hot High School Sweetheart: Forever is a long time.
Lesson 2) The Prom Date: The Euros are more passionate, but more likely to cheat.
Lesson 3) Brick - The Baseball Player: Love is never just about being hot.
Lesson 4) The J Crew Model: Bad kisser equals bad sex.
Lesson 5) The Actor: All actors are narcissist. Strictly off limits. No exceptions.
Lesson 6) The CE: Jewish boys love spanking.
Lesson 7) The Agent: Mountain biking can sometimes be more important than you think. And Strawberry Hill is a HARD ride full of mountain lions.
Lesson 8) The Writers Assistant: Being really honest, is the only way to go. Even when it feels like a mistake, it will make the eventual break up occur much sooner. Eliminating some of the pain.
Lesson 9) The Rocket Scientist: Fabulous abs go much further than you think.
Lesson 10) The Doctor: Sometimes the first date didn't go as well as you thought.
Lesson 11) The Politician: Samatha from Who's the Boss was every man's first love.
Lesson 12) The TV Writer: In order to become emotionally intimate with someone you must open up. Meaning, you have to talk about your deepest fears, etc.
Lesson 13) The Bike Rider: A man that rides a bike for a living, may phyiscally look like a grown up, but in reality he is absolutely not an adult.
Lesson 14) The NYE Kiss: Artists are highly emotional.
Lesson 15) The Feature Writer: Cubby boys, with tons of tattoos really aren't my thing.
Lesson 16) The Producer: There is a way for a man to get me naked on a second date, without even seeing my body.
Lesson 17) The Fiance: Boys can indeed be just as crazy as girls.
Lesson 18) The Boss: Calling back a man back is essential. Otherwise they move on without giving you any warning.
Lesson 19) Frenchie: Go with the flow.