Wedding Bell Blues
You know how most girls get really sad and teary eyed when they see their best buddies get married. They weep and sob, until the open bar starts. Then it's all about getting drunk, dancing our asses off and of course, getting laid. Also I'll add, for some of us closet smokers, sneaking a few ciggies on the back porch.
Well 'tis the season, eh? I have never been in a wedding before. Honestly, I'd only been to my friend's parents second (and often third) weddings growing up. All of my friends that were married thus far, merely said their vows in front of the town judge, because they were knocked up. So, barring the few courthouse nuptials I had witnessed this year, was a new beginning. I was excited, because people always talked about how great the sex was at wedding, and with my dry spell all of the wedding I was hitting up, there was sure to me a wealth of juicy details for my LA girls.
This year, out of the twenty six of my fellow high school graduates, 12 got married. I was in 7 weddings, and had to do guest book for 2, one of which was my grade school boyfriend, whom we'd promised each other to marry if we didn't have someone by 30. Well, he found someone, and I didn't. So here I am at his wedding begging the guests to give their Johnny Hancock to the overpriced "guest book" which of course they'll hardly ever look at again. Thoughtfully, my gift to the bride was simply not signing. That way she could forget about me, and of course all those battles that they had about her insecurities that she felt about me! After hearing the drunken, badgering from the new wifey, the previous night at the rehearsal dinner, I even gave her the gift of staying out of as many wedding photos as possible. I thought she'd appreciate that, especially since the first thing she said to me when I arrived was, "Damn, how do you keep that body." I politely, declined to give this southern lady my secret, but I did say, "I guess I got lucky" simply sparing her the details of my harsh diet and Pilate's schedule!
Me, no I'm not depressed about the situation here. I'm happy that I'm here on my 10th wedding of the year (this time my best friend who was a year younger than me), I am still single, without even having a man by my side, I guess I could have hired one. Everyone should be jealous, I'm single. Free to roam and travel the world, and bone any many who sparks some sort internal pheromone. I can look, touch, play with anyone I want, and no one will care.
But the sad news is, I'm on the dance floor surrounded by the group of people who used to be my safety net, along with a sea of strange faces along side of them. Several of the familiar people, vowed to marry me. One of which even wanted to marry me for green card, once. I kindly refused, citing we were too young to exchange vows. But who were the alien people around us? Enjoying our fun. And the little rug rats that the girls are ooohing and aaahhing over, who brought them here? My hazy realization was here. I was alone, with no man, no single friend, and no one to dance to with. Not even a single father of one of my friends.
The booze kept me going, and helped with the front of pure bliss.
Wait, I thought I never wanted to get married. What is going on with my clock. It's ticking. Do I want to get married or laid?
Post crisis/Patron shots, I sit on the back steps to the Reception Hall, silently hiding the fact that I'm a smoker when intoxicated, when my best friend, the bride joins me. In a deep southern accent, despite her long standing New York City living, "Brandy, you know that you are my best friend in the whole world, right," the long pause indicated to me that she was going to say something that I did not want to hear. More pausing. Anxiously, I say, "what woman?!?!?" She responds, "Bunny, why are you still single, we are all starting to worry about you? Last night my old man asked me if you were a lesbian."
OH MY GOSH, was I wrong about this. I thought they may be jealous of my single lifestyle, or they didn't think twice about it but now I'm learning that they may thing I'm gay! WHAT THE FUCK!
Undersexed, and overly drunk, my world was spinning. These "married" people are not normal, or sane, I MUST get back to west side of the world before something terrible happens, like a witch trail or worse, more people think I'm not looking for the one thing that I think about every day, hour and minute... dirty, hot, sweaty, hair pulling, sex with a man!
